This is a picture taken above my grieving ground, aka the Rose Bowl loop.
I went on my usual run around the Rose Bowl this morning and as I ran I found myself waiting for a motorcycle to pass me, but no motorcycle came today. I actually haven’t seen a motorcycle on my run for a few weeks now. It is “winter” in Los Angeles, and at a balmy 45 degrees that is probably why they’re not out as much this time of year.
You see, ever since my Dad died in a tragic motorcycle accident last year, I have started to find comfort in this 3.1 miles loop around the Rose Bowl. It’s a popular place to run, walk or bike because it is so beautiful and there is a great path all the way around the stadium, golf course, parking lot and soccer fields. I started running here over a year ago I have become a bit obsessed with this loop and I don’t like to run anywhere else.
Why?
Because typically every time I have come here to run a motorcycle will whiz by me, sometimes even a pack of them. In the beginning the motorcycles made me mad and stung my heart. The sound of the motorcycles coming up behind me punched me right in the gut. Most would think that coming back to run here would be like torturing myself, like pouring salt in wounds right? But after awhile I got used to them and in a weird way have depended on them.
I’m no therapist but I think the Rose Bowl loop has become my grieving ground. My father was cremated and so I have no specific place to go and see him, feel him or talk to him. Instead, I look to the blue sky and feel the warmth of the sun to remember him and smile at him.
I miss the motorcycles. I can’t wait for Spring.
This is a Christmas video I created for my Dad last year….Merry Christmas Dad.
This is not a typical article you would find here because death, it’s not so savvy or sassy. But I heard about Mary from the Mama Mary Show and the Dead Dads Club putting on “Hugs for the Holidays” for those grieving lost ones during the holidays and I felt inspired to participate.
Thanks Mary.
Comments
Thank you so much for sharing this story about your dad, Andrea. I am sending you big hugs right now! xoxo
The motorcycles will be back before you know it.
The grieving process… it’s a journey.
xoxo
Andrea, I’m sending a giant hug from another member of the Dead Dads Club. This time of year is especially hard, and I miss my Dad all over again. You have a wonderful grieving ground and I’m sure the motorcycles will be back.
I would venture to say that this is “savvy,” because that means you know what you are doing. And giving space to yourself to grieve is a wise thing to do. This is a beautiful post, Andrea.
Oh, how beautiful this is, my friend. And you know that I understand how you feel. I agree with Kim that this qualifies as “savvy” – the way you are processing this is so profound, and watching your healing, reading how you process his loss, helps me so much. Maybe that was a sign from your Dad that it’s okay to keep moving forward, the silence of the motorcycles today. I know I’ll never totally get over the sudden loss of my Dad, but I see signs like this all the time, now, and I try to think of them as messages from above, telling me I’m going to be okay.
Love you.
-Ellie
Gorgeous writing! I am not often wordless (as you know), but your story always leaves me that way. He’s with you Andrea I know it b/c I see it always! Merry Christmas! I <3 YOU!
So much love to you Andrea. That was beautiful. You have an amazing soul, and it seems to have led you right where you needed to be.
I love how simply you expressed so much here, Andrea. Finding a special place to connect with your Dad is wonderful and so necessary. I like to think the people we’ve lost “know” when we have rituals to remember them. I take comfort in that for myself as well as for the person I’m missing. Blessings to you and yours, you amazing woman.
Eileen, Thank you so much. Grief is a tricky thing, one that takes a lot of time to adapt to and accept. I hope you have found a way to remember and celebrate the person you are missing.
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